Out of the Box

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Trying to piece together what happened to my heart. We weren't supposed to fall for each other, as you well know. Oh… I'm quite certain we were meant to, but we weren't supposed to.

But we did.

I sensed it from you, for a while. I won't lie, I enjoyed the thought of it. I recognized almost immediately that you were a kindred spirit… that, given the chance, we could totally geek out together about any number of things. And the way you make me feel… sigh

And that's not even considering a physical attraction that's almost unbearably powerful at times…

Oh. Yes. I was meant to fall for you, of that I am absolutely certain.

But, we are both already bound. Were so, long before we ever met. And I think you know very well why I wouldn't ever change that. Just as you wouldn't, and for the same reasons.

And it's not within either of our natures to work around those bonds. That's not to say the temptation isn't there… oh, goodness. I do wonder how strong we would both manage to be should we ever be alone in private together… perhaps that's part of why we never are. But in general… most of the time…

So, I don't know how well it's working… I don't know whether you're able to sense it or not, but… I've been trying to love you “outside of the box”. Show you my love in ways that are acceptable… or at least mostly so… in our situation. Trying to find ways to spend time with you, even though it's never alone.

I stumble sometimes. Give you hints that I worry are either too subtle, or far too much. And then I back step… never away from you, gosh no… my love for you has only ever grown. Grows with each passing second whenever I'm around you. But then I go for far too long without any idea of how to move forward again.

And it gets hard. It gets so unbelievably hard, sometimes.

Always suspecting you feel the same, always thinking you're also trying to love me in the same way, trying to figure out how to show me that love outside of the box. But never knowing for sure, not with the certainty that I long for. And it kills me a bit, knowing that I'm leaving you just as uncertain. The doubts, when they creep in, are so… insidious. And I hate the idea of you feeling that way.

I want you to know. To have that certainty that I long for, myself.

But we're learning. I'd like to think we're getting better at it. We certainly seem to be finding ways to spend more time together. Not enough, but gosh… could it ever be enough? Still, though. More.

And I'm not quite sure where this is going to go. Will loving each other this way be enough? Could it possibly be? I… have my doubts… but, if it's the only way…

Well. I'm going to be loving you, one way or the other. Hoping you can feel it. Hoping you never have those doubts. Hoping we find more ways to spend time together. Searching for new ways to tell you, to show you that I love you. Thinking outside of the box. Wanting nothing more than for you to understand. To accept that love, in whatever form I can give it to you. Hoping those doubts, when I have them, are just as baseless as they would be if you do.

Just. Loving you.

Always and forever.

Yours,
♒️